So as per my usual routine, I suck at keeping this blog updated! Maybe it's because I spend so much time at the computer/keyboard all day for work (medical transcription) and don't want to spend my down time typing away!
A lot has happened in our lives over the last several months. We moved from Utah to Indiana back in August. We lived with my parents for the first 4 months we were while Ryan looked for work. He started working for Brinks Security, but it wasn't the best situation for our family (12+ hour days, no overtime pay, unreliable hours, etc). He quit that and started working for walmart.com through a staffing agency. He was hired on directly as a team lead, and the hours have been great, holiday bonuses were a great addition, and a regular paycheck has been a blessing. When his "probation" period is up through the staffing agency, the people at his work have said that they plan to hire him on for a permanent position because he's such a great employee. He's worked hard and they've noticed! I am so proud of him. This should be a great and reliable job for us for the next period of time until Ryan starts school again. I have still been working for the same company back in Utah, only I'm a contracted employee now instead of an hourly employee.
In December, we finally were at a point financially to look for our own place and we lucky enough to get approved for a townhouse on our first try. It's almost twice as big as our place in Utah which of course is quite exciting! We've got the main floor with a dining room, the kitchen, a half bath, and the living room. Upstairs there are the 2 bedrooms which are both massive (it's great!) and the full bathroom. We also have a basement. It's divided down the middle with a wall. On one side it's carpeted and we call it the basement (or more recently, the "man cave" as Ryan is converting a corner of it for his man space). On the other side of the wall is the washer and dryer as well as our storage space. Eventually we're going to get a work space set up for both Ryan and I. His area will be for his woodworking hobby, etc where as mine will be for cake decorating, sewing, crafting, etc. We're both looking forward to it! Our place is only a mile from my parents' which is super convenient because my mom is our child care. Noah goes over there during the day while Ryan and I are working, and then he comes home when we're done. He loves (usually) playing with his cousins (4 and 1 year old girls) at my mom's house, so that has been fun. His vocabulary has grown a ton spending time with them and it's been a lot of fun to watch. He's such a smart little boy! He keeps us very entertained with all of his antics and fun personality quirks.
Baby #2 is growing healthy and strong, and everything looks right on track with him. I can't believe we're having a second baby in 4 months! It's exciting and overwhelming at the same time! We bought Noah a baby doll for Christmas and it's so fun to watch him with it. He loves rocking it and carrying it around, and has decided that he needs to sleep with it every night. Sometimes he'll sit down and pat the floor next to him, and say "mama! sit! baby!", That's his way of requesting I lay down so he can touch my belly and he can "talk" to baby. But what's funny is that he apparently can't do that with my shirt covering my belly. He makes me pull all my layers up so he can talk to my bare belly. Then when he's all done, he'll start tugging all the layers back down while saying "done". He cracks me up! He's going to be a great big brother.
We were able to spend the holidays with my family, as well as using FaceTime to get in some time with Ryan's family. Noah got a toy kitchen from my in-laws that has been his favorite since he laid eyes on it. He cooks for us multiple times a day. My big gift was a Silhouette Cameo (a craft cutter/printer) that I am SOOO excited about! I can't wait to do all the fun things with it. I've done a few small vinyl projects on it so far and am hooked. Depending on how things go, maybe I'll be able to sell some stuff in the future for a little extra money. Only time will tell. First I've got to figure out how to be a mom to two kids first before even thinking of attempting a small business venture!
Well, until next time!
Amanda
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
New life, new stroller, new mini diaper bag
Eventually I'll get around to updating the blog about our crazy life, move across the country and how things are now, but not yet. Instead, right now I'm going to talk about 2 things that are making our crazy life just a little bit easier!
When we had Noah, husband just HAD to have a jogging stroller. We used it quite a bit and have really enjoyed it, but man is it big! It's heavy (which was one of my arguments against it....and that I'm not in any way, shape or form a runner!) and takes up a ton of room both in storage as well as in the trunk. In fact, to get it to fit in the trunk of our car we have to remove the wheels which is a pain. So now that we have baby #2 on the way, I told hubby that we needed a lightweight alternative to the jogger. As I always do, I researched all of the available umbrella style strollers in our price range and weighed out the pros and cons for months before finally making a decision. I had some credit built up to Walmart from their "Savings Catcher" on all of our receipts (which if you don't know what that is and you shop at Walmart, you need to ask me about it NOW cause you're missing out!!) and that helped sway our decision towards the Urbini Reversi stroller at Walmart. It didn't have a ton of reviews yet, but I decided to go ahead and give them a try. We love the stroller and I'm so glad we got it! It's got so many fun features and was a great price, even if we didn't have credit to use towards it. I did a video review on it today that I'm posting through YouTube, so if you're curious about it, go check it out here -----> https://youtu.be/a_sdVCOpEl0
One of the downfalls to this particular stroller is that it doesn't really have any space underneath for a diaper bag. The jogger in comparison has a huge compartment, so it's been a slight adjustment. However, I was given the chance to review a #AngelBabyStrollerOrganizerDiaperBag and it has easily solved our lack of storage space issues! While I also did a video review about this diaper bag, I wanted to quickly review some of the great features of it here too.
Angel Baby Stroller Organizer Diaper Bag:
Pros:
When we had Noah, husband just HAD to have a jogging stroller. We used it quite a bit and have really enjoyed it, but man is it big! It's heavy (which was one of my arguments against it....and that I'm not in any way, shape or form a runner!) and takes up a ton of room both in storage as well as in the trunk. In fact, to get it to fit in the trunk of our car we have to remove the wheels which is a pain. So now that we have baby #2 on the way, I told hubby that we needed a lightweight alternative to the jogger. As I always do, I researched all of the available umbrella style strollers in our price range and weighed out the pros and cons for months before finally making a decision. I had some credit built up to Walmart from their "Savings Catcher" on all of our receipts (which if you don't know what that is and you shop at Walmart, you need to ask me about it NOW cause you're missing out!!) and that helped sway our decision towards the Urbini Reversi stroller at Walmart. It didn't have a ton of reviews yet, but I decided to go ahead and give them a try. We love the stroller and I'm so glad we got it! It's got so many fun features and was a great price, even if we didn't have credit to use towards it. I did a video review on it today that I'm posting through YouTube, so if you're curious about it, go check it out here -----> https://youtu.be/a_sdVCOpEl0
One of the downfalls to this particular stroller is that it doesn't really have any space underneath for a diaper bag. The jogger in comparison has a huge compartment, so it's been a slight adjustment. However, I was given the chance to review a #AngelBabyStrollerOrganizerDiaperBag and it has easily solved our lack of storage space issues! While I also did a video review about this diaper bag, I wanted to quickly review some of the great features of it here too.
Angel Baby Stroller Organizer Diaper Bag:
Pros:
- easily attaches to all strollers, whether you have two handles (umbrella stroller) or a bar across (jogging stroller)
- the velcro that attaches it to the handles is wide enough to give a secure grip, so you don't have to worry about it randomly detaching and falling to the ground
- has an external wipe pouch for quick and easy access
- has a zippered pouch that easily holds 2 flat diapers (size 4 is what I've tested it with), or even more of a smaller size and rolled up
- has two insulated drink holders to keep your beverages/bottles cold or warm
- has an inner pouch that can hold snacks, keys, phone, wallet, etc and has a flap that folds over the top to hide the contents from plain sight
- has two small mesh pockets that holds pens, snacks, keys, etc
- has a shoulder strap that attaches near where the velcro is, making it easy to remove the diaper bag and carry it on your shoulder for diaper changes, keeping the diaper bag when you leave the stroller in the car, etc.
Cons:
- the insulated drink pocket is just slightly too deep to easily retrieve a standard size sippy cup
- the mesh pockets could be slightly bigger which would make them more useful
Obviously, the pros faaaaar outweigh the cons with this handy, conveniently sized diaper bag. It can't hold toys, changes of clothes, burp cloths, diaper ointment, the kitchen sink, etc like a regular diaper bag can, but it's actually a really nice change. Especially as Noah has gotten older, our need for a full sized diaper bag has decreased significantly. This can carry everything we'd need for a trip to the zoo without issue. When baby #2 comes along and we need to constantly carry more things with us, the compartment under our umbrella stroller could hold all the "just in case" items that we wouldn't need easy access to and then keep the essentials within easy reach in this diaper bag. It's really an awesome addition to our "child item collection" that seems to never stop growing. If you want to see it in action, check out my YouTube review on it here -----> https://youtu.be/plndt4IdZtw
If you want to get one for yourself, here's the link to it on Amazon!
If you want to get one for yourself, here's the link to it on Amazon!
Let me know if you have any questions!
Love, Amanda
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Miscarriage- The Silent Grief
I've written, erased, re-written, erased and so on this post so many times in my mind over the last few days that I thought when I finally sat down to write it, the words would just flow. Instead, I sit here trying to again organize my thoughts, feelings, apprehensions, etc as tears pool in my eyes for the ump-teenth time. I feel like this is such a personal and heart wrenching topic to share, but one that is also so important to be vocal about to help create support for other women suffering like myself. So please, bear with me as I open my heart and soul in hopes of providing comfort and support to someone else walking this same sad path.
In the last several months, Ryan and I had both started to feel rather strongly that it was time to start trying for Baby #2. We expected it to take awhile as it did with Noah, only to get our "big fat positive" (baby making lingo) after just our second month of trying. This was about 3 weeks ago. We were shocked with how fast it happened, but also beyond thrilled. According to the 14 pregnancy apps I downloaded (ok, 3, but still), our estimated due date was around February 25th. Baby and Noah would have been just shy of two years apart, which was great spacing in our eyes. We started to take guesses as to the gender (we both ultimately decided it was probably going to be a girl), talked about names, talked about the fun family things that we would do and how things would change with the introduction of another member to our family. Being the Type A personality that I am, I started mentally planning all of the logistics of having a new baby. Making mental wish lists of things I wish I had when Noah was first born, things I wanted to read about and maybe do differently this time around. I called and scheduled our first OB appointment and began to eagerly count down to that time when we'd find out our actual due date as well as get to see our little peanut for the first time. It's amazing how deeply invested you become, and how deeply you already love that teeny, tiny baby that you've only known about for 3 weeks.
During my early pregnancy with Noah, I experienced two episodes of bleeding. The first at 5 weeks, 5 days and the next at 6 weeks, 4 days. I remember how terrified we were going in for those early ultrasounds, expecting to hear the worst. It was an emotional rollercoaster. Instead of hearing the dreaded "M" word, we were told that I was experiencing a subchorionic hemorrhage. Anything containing the word hemorrhage immediately sounds ominous and terrifying, but in that particular case it was music to my ears. We weren't losing the baby. I just needed to take it easy and my body should take care of the rest. And it did. Noah grew healthy and strong and was delivered full term. While there was one other unexplained bleeding episode at 27 weeks, everything else went smoothly and the pregnancy as a whole was amazing.
Fast forward to this pregnancy. Based on my experience with my first pregnancy, I was terrified every time I went to the bathroom that I'd find blood. While everything turned out just fine with Noah, that didn't do much to help lessen my fears. Seeing blood during pregnancy at any stage has to be one of the worst feelings ever. Every time I'd go to the bathroom and there was no blood, I'd sigh in relief and move on about my business. That is, until Tuesday.
The week was already starting as a crazy one. Monday: My rotors were warped. My car didn't want to start easily. We discovered a my fuel was leaking. On Saturday, Noah had been diagnosed with one ear infection and the start of another. After a visit to the ENT on Monday, he was scheduled to have tubes placed on Wednesday. My friend's husband took my car to work on it Monday night, so we were left with just the truck. Tuesday: I took Noah to his last swim lesson because of the tube placement that was supposed to happen the following day. I dropped him off with my friend who does daycare for him, and got home. I went to change out of my wet swimsuit and jump in the shower. After quickly using the bathroom, I wiped, ready to breathe my sigh of relief when instead I saw red. Starting to pray fervently, I got Ryan and told him what was happening. Each of us taking a deep breath and hoping it was just another subchorionic hemorrhage, we called the OB.
Without going into the boring details, due to the OB's office inability to get on the same page, we made the 20 minute drive to their office 3 separate times that day. The final visit included an ultrasound, which showed nothing. No sac, no growth, no baby. The technician tried to remain positive, but I knew in my heart that it was for sure happening. No hoping, praying, crossing my fingers or anything else would stop the reality of the situation. I was losing/had just lost our baby. I was suddenly a part of the silent club that no woman ever wants to be a part of. The Miscarriage Club. Where all of your hopes, dreams, wishes, plans are suddenly ripped out of your grasp with no explanation. No reason. No nothing. Nothing but a big, dark void that has suddenly taken over your heart, soul and mind. Nothing but the despair, sadness, wondering, confusion and deep aching pain that all combined takes your breath away. In that instant, everything changes but somehow everything stays the same. Your entire world is suddenly shaken while the rest of the world keeps moving forward like nothing is different. As we left the OB's office, I couldn't bear to look around the waiting room. There sat all these ladies in various stages of pregnancy. All of those women still had living babies in them. I however, had nothing. My face of tears, agony and pain had no place among that happy, hope-filled crowd.
I cried an ocean of tears on Tuesday. I felt my heart shatter, my soul rip and my mind crack. There is such a whirlwind of emotions that happen at once they threaten to consume you and steal your sanity, even if just briefly. What if I had done x,y,z differently? What if I forgot to do this or that? What if Heavenly Father doesn't think I'm ready to have another of His children yet? What if, what if, what if?!? Those questions alone are enough to drown in. You feel angry that it's happening. You feel sad that this little tiny baby has been taken from you before you had a chance to know them. You feel broken, like a part of you is missing. You can google search statistics to make yourself feel better, but those numbers don't take away the pain. You had a baby, a new life that was growing within you one minute, and the next, it's no more. It's nearly impossible to wrap your mind around such a thing. I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be able to really feel it when people said things like "Well, it's all in God's plan". Instead, it just made me want to punch someone in the face. Maybe that's why miscarriage is such a taboo topic. There is no right thing to say. I couldn't tell someone what to say to me that would have been ok. When you've just lost your baby, everything is just wrong. In those moments, Everything. Is. Just. Wrong.
I have known people who have experienced loss before, both with miscarriage and still births. I never knew what to say or do in those situations. I still don't really know to be honest. But, speaking now from personal experience, here are some suggestions for you when dealing with a person suffering from this loss.
1. Don't try to fix it. This includes trying to "explain" why this is happening. Maybe some time from now, weeks, months, etc that will be ok. But right now, no explanation is going to make sense. I was pregnant this morning, and now I'm not. Your kind words of this being part of a grander plan are not, at this moment, going to fill that void.
2. A simple "I'm so sorry. I love you. My heart is breaking for you." goes way farther than an explanation for the situation. See #1.
3. Ice cream, cake, candy and hugs. Enough said.
4. Remember that if you feel awkward, I feel even more awkward. You don't know what to say, well neither do I. Create a safe place for feelings to be felt. Be prepared for me to be laughing one minute, and dissolving into tears the next. This is ok. This is normal. Treat it as such.
5. Reach out. This is an incredibly lonely process. It's incredibly personal too. Between those things, it's easy to want to isolate. Especially if you know the people around you are uncomfortable. I might not have it in me to reach out to you, but will grasp at the "life raft" of friendship you throw.
6. Give me space. While #5 is important, so is this. Grieving is a process. I need friends, but I also need space. I've got to have some me time to figure out how I'm going to move forward. And it takes time.
There are many other tips and suggestions I could list, but those are the ones that are at the front of my mind.
For those of you who are experiencing this horrible loss, here are some things I'm learning that I want to share with you. Some I already believe, others I know I will believe in time. Perhaps sharing them here will help me to further accept them as truths myself.
1. You are not alone. No matter if you have miscarried, experienced a still birth, or even the loss of a child, remind yourself that you are not alone. It's all more common than you think (sadly enough), and there are others who have walked this painful path before you.
2. It was NOT your fault. No matter what questions you come up with, or what potential situations COULD have caused it, ultimately, it was not your fault. But even knowing that logically, be prepared to keep questioning and wondering. Your heart may take longer to accept the fact that it was beyond your control than your mind.
3. No matter when you had your loss (5 weeks, 20 weeks, 42 weeks), you still lost. Do not compare, do not try to minimize, do not try to convince yourself that you have no right to grieve. I think that being farther along would have been more challenging. But even though I was only 7 weeks, as I watch my son play, I am reminded as to what I've lost. If this baby had continued to grow, I would have felt it move within me. I would have given birth and held it in my arms. I would have lost sleep as we nursed around the clock. I would have been there when they were given a name and a blessing. I would have been able to experience their first smile, their first laugh, their first words. All of those firsts that I have been a part of with Noah, I would have been a part of with this baby. And now I won't. And that holds to true for the mother who lost her baby at 13 weeks, for the mother who experienced a still birth at 21 weeks, for the mother who delivered her baby only to have complications take them too soon from this life. We have all lost, regardless of when on the path it happened.
4. This is a lonely, sad and painful process. You won't know what to say. You won't know how to respond when the cashier asks "How's it going?". You won't know how to discuss the details of what's happening physically and emotionally with someone who has never been here. What if you share too much? What if you don't share enough and you are drowning in your feelings? Those what ifs will make their come back and will try to suck you in. You've got to do your best to not let that happen.
5. It's okay to laugh. It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel the whole broad spectrum of feelings you are bound to feel over the next while. Let yourself grieve. Whatever that means for your specific situation, just let it happen. It's normal. It's needed. It's good.
6. Reach out. It's easy to turn inward, to isolate and shut everything and everyone out, but try to resist. You'd be surprised what support you'll find by reaching out, even just a little. If you don't have family or friends that understand, find a loss support group online. Finding others who understand provides a soothing balm that helps ease the pain.
7. Give yourself time and space. You don't have to jump right back into normal life. If you want to, and that will help you heal, then go for it. But taking the time to grieve and mourn is important. Do something just for you. Get your hair cut or your nails done. Take time to read a book or write down your thoughts and feelings. No one expects you to be fine overnight, so don't put that pressure on yourself either.
The day after my miscarriage began, I came across this quote on my Facebook news feed. It found a way into the shattered mess that is my heart and held on for dear life. I printed it out and stuck it in a frame by my desk so I can glance at it frequently as each day passes and I move one foot in front of the other with a healed self as my end goal. It's a quote from a book by the apostle Jeffrey R. Holland, from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It reads (emphasis added):
"It may be that among all the broken things God loves, He loves a broken heart most of all. So when our day of sacrifice comes - and perhaps sorrow will come with it - be trusting and be believing. Know that God will accept your offering and that, through the great miracle of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He will give your heart back to you healed and whole. That is the ultimate truth taught by the Resurrection. Christ, the Great Healer, will make recompense for us in time and in eternity. By His grace and the goodness of God, all broken vessels are fully repaired."
While I didn't want to be reminded by those around me that all of this was part of some plan, I've been able to arrive at that conclusion myself. It's still a work in progress. I'm still hurting. I'm still grieving. I'm still randomly bursting into tears when I come across something that reminds me of what I've lost. But deep down, above all else, I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me. I know that He knows the pain and anguish I'm experiencing. I know that both he and my Savior are extending their open arms to me, inviting me in. It brings to mind one of my favorite scripture verses, John 14:27. "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
To my sweet teeny, tiny baby: My heart aches in ways that words cannot describe that we have had to say goodbye before we ever really got to say hello. We love you, and will always wonder what could have been. I know that we'll meet someday. Until that time, I pray that Heavenly Father will keep you close and hold you for me.
I love you my baby,
-your mommy
In the last several months, Ryan and I had both started to feel rather strongly that it was time to start trying for Baby #2. We expected it to take awhile as it did with Noah, only to get our "big fat positive" (baby making lingo) after just our second month of trying. This was about 3 weeks ago. We were shocked with how fast it happened, but also beyond thrilled. According to the 14 pregnancy apps I downloaded (ok, 3, but still), our estimated due date was around February 25th. Baby and Noah would have been just shy of two years apart, which was great spacing in our eyes. We started to take guesses as to the gender (we both ultimately decided it was probably going to be a girl), talked about names, talked about the fun family things that we would do and how things would change with the introduction of another member to our family. Being the Type A personality that I am, I started mentally planning all of the logistics of having a new baby. Making mental wish lists of things I wish I had when Noah was first born, things I wanted to read about and maybe do differently this time around. I called and scheduled our first OB appointment and began to eagerly count down to that time when we'd find out our actual due date as well as get to see our little peanut for the first time. It's amazing how deeply invested you become, and how deeply you already love that teeny, tiny baby that you've only known about for 3 weeks.
During my early pregnancy with Noah, I experienced two episodes of bleeding. The first at 5 weeks, 5 days and the next at 6 weeks, 4 days. I remember how terrified we were going in for those early ultrasounds, expecting to hear the worst. It was an emotional rollercoaster. Instead of hearing the dreaded "M" word, we were told that I was experiencing a subchorionic hemorrhage. Anything containing the word hemorrhage immediately sounds ominous and terrifying, but in that particular case it was music to my ears. We weren't losing the baby. I just needed to take it easy and my body should take care of the rest. And it did. Noah grew healthy and strong and was delivered full term. While there was one other unexplained bleeding episode at 27 weeks, everything else went smoothly and the pregnancy as a whole was amazing.
Fast forward to this pregnancy. Based on my experience with my first pregnancy, I was terrified every time I went to the bathroom that I'd find blood. While everything turned out just fine with Noah, that didn't do much to help lessen my fears. Seeing blood during pregnancy at any stage has to be one of the worst feelings ever. Every time I'd go to the bathroom and there was no blood, I'd sigh in relief and move on about my business. That is, until Tuesday.
The week was already starting as a crazy one. Monday: My rotors were warped. My car didn't want to start easily. We discovered a my fuel was leaking. On Saturday, Noah had been diagnosed with one ear infection and the start of another. After a visit to the ENT on Monday, he was scheduled to have tubes placed on Wednesday. My friend's husband took my car to work on it Monday night, so we were left with just the truck. Tuesday: I took Noah to his last swim lesson because of the tube placement that was supposed to happen the following day. I dropped him off with my friend who does daycare for him, and got home. I went to change out of my wet swimsuit and jump in the shower. After quickly using the bathroom, I wiped, ready to breathe my sigh of relief when instead I saw red. Starting to pray fervently, I got Ryan and told him what was happening. Each of us taking a deep breath and hoping it was just another subchorionic hemorrhage, we called the OB.
Without going into the boring details, due to the OB's office inability to get on the same page, we made the 20 minute drive to their office 3 separate times that day. The final visit included an ultrasound, which showed nothing. No sac, no growth, no baby. The technician tried to remain positive, but I knew in my heart that it was for sure happening. No hoping, praying, crossing my fingers or anything else would stop the reality of the situation. I was losing/had just lost our baby. I was suddenly a part of the silent club that no woman ever wants to be a part of. The Miscarriage Club. Where all of your hopes, dreams, wishes, plans are suddenly ripped out of your grasp with no explanation. No reason. No nothing. Nothing but a big, dark void that has suddenly taken over your heart, soul and mind. Nothing but the despair, sadness, wondering, confusion and deep aching pain that all combined takes your breath away. In that instant, everything changes but somehow everything stays the same. Your entire world is suddenly shaken while the rest of the world keeps moving forward like nothing is different. As we left the OB's office, I couldn't bear to look around the waiting room. There sat all these ladies in various stages of pregnancy. All of those women still had living babies in them. I however, had nothing. My face of tears, agony and pain had no place among that happy, hope-filled crowd.
I cried an ocean of tears on Tuesday. I felt my heart shatter, my soul rip and my mind crack. There is such a whirlwind of emotions that happen at once they threaten to consume you and steal your sanity, even if just briefly. What if I had done x,y,z differently? What if I forgot to do this or that? What if Heavenly Father doesn't think I'm ready to have another of His children yet? What if, what if, what if?!? Those questions alone are enough to drown in. You feel angry that it's happening. You feel sad that this little tiny baby has been taken from you before you had a chance to know them. You feel broken, like a part of you is missing. You can google search statistics to make yourself feel better, but those numbers don't take away the pain. You had a baby, a new life that was growing within you one minute, and the next, it's no more. It's nearly impossible to wrap your mind around such a thing. I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be able to really feel it when people said things like "Well, it's all in God's plan". Instead, it just made me want to punch someone in the face. Maybe that's why miscarriage is such a taboo topic. There is no right thing to say. I couldn't tell someone what to say to me that would have been ok. When you've just lost your baby, everything is just wrong. In those moments, Everything. Is. Just. Wrong.
I have known people who have experienced loss before, both with miscarriage and still births. I never knew what to say or do in those situations. I still don't really know to be honest. But, speaking now from personal experience, here are some suggestions for you when dealing with a person suffering from this loss.
1. Don't try to fix it. This includes trying to "explain" why this is happening. Maybe some time from now, weeks, months, etc that will be ok. But right now, no explanation is going to make sense. I was pregnant this morning, and now I'm not. Your kind words of this being part of a grander plan are not, at this moment, going to fill that void.
2. A simple "I'm so sorry. I love you. My heart is breaking for you." goes way farther than an explanation for the situation. See #1.
3. Ice cream, cake, candy and hugs. Enough said.
4. Remember that if you feel awkward, I feel even more awkward. You don't know what to say, well neither do I. Create a safe place for feelings to be felt. Be prepared for me to be laughing one minute, and dissolving into tears the next. This is ok. This is normal. Treat it as such.
5. Reach out. This is an incredibly lonely process. It's incredibly personal too. Between those things, it's easy to want to isolate. Especially if you know the people around you are uncomfortable. I might not have it in me to reach out to you, but will grasp at the "life raft" of friendship you throw.
6. Give me space. While #5 is important, so is this. Grieving is a process. I need friends, but I also need space. I've got to have some me time to figure out how I'm going to move forward. And it takes time.
There are many other tips and suggestions I could list, but those are the ones that are at the front of my mind.
For those of you who are experiencing this horrible loss, here are some things I'm learning that I want to share with you. Some I already believe, others I know I will believe in time. Perhaps sharing them here will help me to further accept them as truths myself.
1. You are not alone. No matter if you have miscarried, experienced a still birth, or even the loss of a child, remind yourself that you are not alone. It's all more common than you think (sadly enough), and there are others who have walked this painful path before you.
2. It was NOT your fault. No matter what questions you come up with, or what potential situations COULD have caused it, ultimately, it was not your fault. But even knowing that logically, be prepared to keep questioning and wondering. Your heart may take longer to accept the fact that it was beyond your control than your mind.
3. No matter when you had your loss (5 weeks, 20 weeks, 42 weeks), you still lost. Do not compare, do not try to minimize, do not try to convince yourself that you have no right to grieve. I think that being farther along would have been more challenging. But even though I was only 7 weeks, as I watch my son play, I am reminded as to what I've lost. If this baby had continued to grow, I would have felt it move within me. I would have given birth and held it in my arms. I would have lost sleep as we nursed around the clock. I would have been there when they were given a name and a blessing. I would have been able to experience their first smile, their first laugh, their first words. All of those firsts that I have been a part of with Noah, I would have been a part of with this baby. And now I won't. And that holds to true for the mother who lost her baby at 13 weeks, for the mother who experienced a still birth at 21 weeks, for the mother who delivered her baby only to have complications take them too soon from this life. We have all lost, regardless of when on the path it happened.
4. This is a lonely, sad and painful process. You won't know what to say. You won't know how to respond when the cashier asks "How's it going?". You won't know how to discuss the details of what's happening physically and emotionally with someone who has never been here. What if you share too much? What if you don't share enough and you are drowning in your feelings? Those what ifs will make their come back and will try to suck you in. You've got to do your best to not let that happen.
5. It's okay to laugh. It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel the whole broad spectrum of feelings you are bound to feel over the next while. Let yourself grieve. Whatever that means for your specific situation, just let it happen. It's normal. It's needed. It's good.
6. Reach out. It's easy to turn inward, to isolate and shut everything and everyone out, but try to resist. You'd be surprised what support you'll find by reaching out, even just a little. If you don't have family or friends that understand, find a loss support group online. Finding others who understand provides a soothing balm that helps ease the pain.
7. Give yourself time and space. You don't have to jump right back into normal life. If you want to, and that will help you heal, then go for it. But taking the time to grieve and mourn is important. Do something just for you. Get your hair cut or your nails done. Take time to read a book or write down your thoughts and feelings. No one expects you to be fine overnight, so don't put that pressure on yourself either.
The day after my miscarriage began, I came across this quote on my Facebook news feed. It found a way into the shattered mess that is my heart and held on for dear life. I printed it out and stuck it in a frame by my desk so I can glance at it frequently as each day passes and I move one foot in front of the other with a healed self as my end goal. It's a quote from a book by the apostle Jeffrey R. Holland, from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It reads (emphasis added):
"It may be that among all the broken things God loves, He loves a broken heart most of all. So when our day of sacrifice comes - and perhaps sorrow will come with it - be trusting and be believing. Know that God will accept your offering and that, through the great miracle of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He will give your heart back to you healed and whole. That is the ultimate truth taught by the Resurrection. Christ, the Great Healer, will make recompense for us in time and in eternity. By His grace and the goodness of God, all broken vessels are fully repaired."
While I didn't want to be reminded by those around me that all of this was part of some plan, I've been able to arrive at that conclusion myself. It's still a work in progress. I'm still hurting. I'm still grieving. I'm still randomly bursting into tears when I come across something that reminds me of what I've lost. But deep down, above all else, I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me. I know that He knows the pain and anguish I'm experiencing. I know that both he and my Savior are extending their open arms to me, inviting me in. It brings to mind one of my favorite scripture verses, John 14:27. "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
To my sweet teeny, tiny baby: My heart aches in ways that words cannot describe that we have had to say goodbye before we ever really got to say hello. We love you, and will always wonder what could have been. I know that we'll meet someday. Until that time, I pray that Heavenly Father will keep you close and hold you for me.
I love you my baby,
-your mommy
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Placenta Encapsulation- Results
So several months ago I posted about how I was considering get my placenta dried out and put into pills to take after delivery. I decided to do it, and I am grateful that I did.
I was in the hospital for 48 hours after delivery because I had tested positive for Group B Strep. When it was time for us to be released, in order to be able to take the placenta I had to sign a waiver. It basically stated that I was taking an organ from the hospital and that they wouldn't be held liable for anything that happened as a result. All that legal mumbo jumbo they have to put you through to cover their behinds in case you do anything crazy and then want to blame them when something goes wrong. They gave it to us in a plastic tupperware like container. Like you would buy sour cream in, but bigger. (Hope that doesn't ruin sour cream for you. haha). When we left the hospital we went straight to the lady's house who was going to take care of everything. This was on Friday. She called us on Sunday and let us know that it was ready to be picked up. Not too bad for turnaround time, right? Ryan went and got them and told me the directions. I was to take 2-6 pills daily (start with less and work up to more if I felt it was needed) until I didn't feel like I needed them anymore or I ran out. I was to keep them in the fridge, and any that I ended up not using I should store them in the freezer for future use if I wanted.
There was kind of an earthy smell when I opened the container, but it wasn't bad. Just "natural". Haha. I started out by taking two in the morning and two at bed time, and decided that was a good amount for me. I did that for the first almost 7 weeks after delivery.
My results? I cried/felt the baby blues the day after I left the hospital (before I had the placenta pills), and then once again when he was 4 weeks old and had a rough night where I was only getting 1.5 hour stretches of sleep all night and was exhausted the next morning. That's it. Now I have nothing to compare it to, but I do know that pretty much all the women I've talked to have experience baby blues/post partum depression more than that. And really, it would only be one "episode" since the first time happened before I started taking the placenta pills. SO, my opinion on placenta encapsulation? DO IT!! What do you have to lose? If it hadn't worked for me, we would have been out $100. But because I took a chance on it, I preserved my sanity, bonded with my baby, and didn't have a horrible after birth experience. Like I said before, I've had members of my family hospitalized for post partum depression/psychosis. I didn't want to go through that. Who would? I am SO grateful that I decided to go outside of my comfort zone and try this. I am beyond pleased with the results and plan on doing it for each of my pregnancies!
I was in the hospital for 48 hours after delivery because I had tested positive for Group B Strep. When it was time for us to be released, in order to be able to take the placenta I had to sign a waiver. It basically stated that I was taking an organ from the hospital and that they wouldn't be held liable for anything that happened as a result. All that legal mumbo jumbo they have to put you through to cover their behinds in case you do anything crazy and then want to blame them when something goes wrong. They gave it to us in a plastic tupperware like container. Like you would buy sour cream in, but bigger. (Hope that doesn't ruin sour cream for you. haha). When we left the hospital we went straight to the lady's house who was going to take care of everything. This was on Friday. She called us on Sunday and let us know that it was ready to be picked up. Not too bad for turnaround time, right? Ryan went and got them and told me the directions. I was to take 2-6 pills daily (start with less and work up to more if I felt it was needed) until I didn't feel like I needed them anymore or I ran out. I was to keep them in the fridge, and any that I ended up not using I should store them in the freezer for future use if I wanted.
There was kind of an earthy smell when I opened the container, but it wasn't bad. Just "natural". Haha. I started out by taking two in the morning and two at bed time, and decided that was a good amount for me. I did that for the first almost 7 weeks after delivery.
My results? I cried/felt the baby blues the day after I left the hospital (before I had the placenta pills), and then once again when he was 4 weeks old and had a rough night where I was only getting 1.5 hour stretches of sleep all night and was exhausted the next morning. That's it. Now I have nothing to compare it to, but I do know that pretty much all the women I've talked to have experience baby blues/post partum depression more than that. And really, it would only be one "episode" since the first time happened before I started taking the placenta pills. SO, my opinion on placenta encapsulation? DO IT!! What do you have to lose? If it hadn't worked for me, we would have been out $100. But because I took a chance on it, I preserved my sanity, bonded with my baby, and didn't have a horrible after birth experience. Like I said before, I've had members of my family hospitalized for post partum depression/psychosis. I didn't want to go through that. Who would? I am SO grateful that I decided to go outside of my comfort zone and try this. I am beyond pleased with the results and plan on doing it for each of my pregnancies!
Monday, May 19, 2014
Little Elf- Two Months
Temperament: This little guys is still so mellow. He still rarely fusses or cries, and is just content to simply “be”. He’s just a happy baby!
Weight & Height: At his 2 month check up, he weighed in at 10lbs 4oz and was 22in long. His head measured 39.5cm. That put him in the 10th percentile across the board. He’s just a little elf!
Sleeping: He’s started to sleep better through the night, often going 4-5 hours between each feeding. Those longer stretches of sleep are nice, but I’m looking forward to even longer ones as he continues to grow! Naps are a bit of a struggle. He’ll sleep for 2-3 hours when he’s being held, but if you dare put him down for a nap, you’ll be lucky to get a 40 minute nap out of him. That doesn’t help get things done around the house, that’s for sure! Oh well. Haha. We’re still working on napping longer not being held, since I have to return to work next month and he won’t be able to be held during his naps at the sitter’s house.
(apparently sleeping while getting burped is the thing to do!)
Likes: He has figured out how to make noise and loves to coo, speak, and squawk. He’s in love with his playmat, and the dangling toys. There is an elephant that plays melodies, and he loves that thing! There have been times when we keep pulling the thing to make the music and when the music stops, he’ll start to fuss a little. As soon as it’s pulled again and the music starts he’s back to squawking along, happy as can be. It’s really cute. He also still loves snuggles and his binky.
Dislikes: There’s not much that he seems to dislike at this point. He’s doing better in his car seat, unlike how he despised it before. He’s still not a fan of tummy time, but is starting to tolerate it a little better. He also still doesn’t like having to wait on his food. He can go from fine to starving in .3 seconds and if he isn’t fed at that moment, he’ll let you know he’s not happy! Oh, and shots. He was NOT a fan of getting his 2 month shots. But really, who would be? He was fussy the evening he got them and the following day, but was then back to normal!
Firsts: He gave us his first “social smile”, meaning he smiled on purpose at us. And oh man, it’s the best thing ever!! He sticks his tongue out when he’s really happy and it’s beyond adorable. He also rolled from front to back for the first time. At first we thought it was more of an accidental thing because he hates tummy time, but since he’s done it several times since we think it’s for real.
Other: On Mother’s Day (May 11th) we did Noah’s baby blessing. It was a fun way to celebrate my first mother’s day! We had several people come in from out of town to celebrate with us, including my parents (Ft. Worth, Texas), brother (Houston, Texas), sister & niece (Indiana), Ryan’s dad (California), and my grandparents (Northern Utah). Ryan gave the blessing and did a wonderful job. We had originally planned on doing a BBQ after for our family and friends, but the weather was not cooperating for that. So instead, we just did a mini BBQ for our family inside. It was so fun having everyone there, especially since it was the first time everyone (minus my mom who has been here since the birth) got to meet Noah.
He also had a little procedure done at 9 weeks to correct his upper lip tie. It wasn’t really affecting me (no pain or discomfort when nursing) but Noah didn’t have the best latch and would often unlatch coughing/gasping for breath. I had read a post from someone about their baby having similar symptoms, but also mentioned reflux as well. And they included a picture of their kid’s lip tie. So I thought to myself, I should look in Noah’s mouth and see what I find. And lo and behold, it looked the same as their picture! We talked to the pediatrician about it, and he referred us to a pediatric dentist. That particular dentist was chosen because he does the frenectomy (lip tie removal) with a laser. That eliminates the need for sedation, stitches, and a longer recovery. The actual procedure was a lot faster than I had pictured it to be in my mind. He had us swaddle Noah, and then the dentist sat knees to knees with Ryan with Noah’s head in the dentists lap and the rest of him on Ryan. They had to wear special glasses, and there were only 2 pairs. So I was allowed in the room but I had to turn my back to them (which it was probably better that way anyway!) The dentist turned on the laser and started working. Noah of course started screaming, which was heartbreaking to listen to. They stopped once to let him take a breather, and then started again. And then it was over! I looked at my phone to check the time, and the whole thing only took about 5 minutes. It felt longer because hearing your baby screaming makes time stand still but in reality it wasn’t very long at all. And as soon as the laser was turned off, Noah quit crying just a few seconds later. So there wasn’t much residual pain (immediately), which was nice. He was a little fussy that night and the next day, and got mad when we did the lip stretching exercises we were told to do. But overall it went great and he had a fast recovery. When we took him back for his 2 week follow up the dentist said that everything looked good and he wouldn’t need to see him again. He did say that it would probably take a few weeks for his muscle memory to change and for his latch to improve, so I’ll update on that in the future!
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(so the after is a little hard to see, but there's like a diamond shape where the laser removed skin)
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Little Elf- One Month
Temperament: This little guy is SO chill and mellow. He rarely cries or fusses, and if he does it is for a very short time. He has had a bit of jaundice which makes him extra sleepy, and may contribute a little to his mellowness. But we're excited that he doesn't have colic!
Weight & Height: When he was born he was 6lbs 7oz and 17.5 in long. He lost 3oz while we were in the hospital. At his two week check up, he was 7lbs 3oz and 21in long. We aren't sure if he actually grew 3in in two weeks or if he wasn't fully stretched out when they measured him at birth! Then at an appointment when he was 4 weeks old, he weighed in at 7lbs 13oz. The doctor said he looked great! He's been in newborn sized clothing since birth, as well as newborn diapers.
Sleeping: Like I mentioned before, he's had some jaundice since we left the hospital. That makes him really sleepy. To the point I have to wake him up to be fed. So I set my alarm for every 3.5 hours to wake him and attempt to feed him. Most of the time he'll fall asleep several times while he's nursing, so I have to try and get him to wake up. Sometimes he's out cold and nothing will wake him! Some of the things I've done are turning the lights on, stripping him down to his diaper, tickling his feet, face & tummy, sitting him up to burp him, gently blowing in his face (getting desperate here obviously, haha), and so on. Those work, ohhhh, maybe 60% of the time. And not for very long. His doctor says he'll be more alert as the bilirubin levels drop.
Likes: He LOVES to snuggle. It doesn't matter if he's awake or asleep, his favorite place to be is on someone or at least in their arms. His favorite spot is snuggled on his tummy under my chin. He also loves baths.
Other: This little man spits up a TON. Like, pretty much everything he eats it seems. It changes consistency and color, volume, and speed. Speed meaning how fast it comes out of him. He has gotten pretty good at projectile spit up. To the point where in order to somewhat preserve our carpet, when I burp him I have a full size bath towel draped over my lap and onto the floor to catch it. We have increased our supply of burp cloths (large prefold diapers) to try and keep up with the demand. We also generally have to do laundry more than once a day because he only has so many outfits and so many burp cloths. We've taken him to the doctor twice about it. Once they suggested that he could have a dairy allergy and told me to try taking that out of my diet. So I did, but there was no change. When I introduced it back in, he didn't get better or worse, so we don't think that's the problem. After we tried that, the doctor prescribed Prevacid and Hyoscyamine. One for the reduction of acid and the other for tummy cramps. Between the two we've noticed some improvement, but he still spits up quite a bit. Just not projectile as often, so that's good! The nice thing about all of it is that he's what they generally refer to as a happy spitter. That means that he doesn't scream/cry/fuss/etc from the reflux. He usually doesn't seem bothered by it. Occasionally he'll be a little fussy from it, but thankfully not often. We also had to take him in several times in the first 3 weeks to the lab to have his bilirubin levels drawn. It was so sad! His poor heels were still bruised from the hospital, so there wasn't a "clean" place for them to do the draws. The first few times he was still so sleepy he barely moved, but then the last few times it made him cry. It's hard to see your baby in pain! Eventually the lab levels dropped down to an ok level and we didn't have to take him in for heel torture any more.
Mom & Dad: We are adjusting to parenthood. Ryan went back to work the Tuesday after Tiny was born, so I've been the one doing the night feedings so Ryan could be rested for work. My mom has been here since he was born, and helps out a TON with everything. It's really helping with the adjustment. We're both still in awe that this tiny person is OUR child. We love him totally and completely, and can't imagine life without him now. I've been lucky to not deal with post partum depression (which I think is linked to doing the placenta encapsulation, but more on that later) which I was really worried about. Because he's such an easy baby, we're both doing pretty good so far with everything.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Welcome Noah- Pictures!
Since the last post was so long, I thought I'd put all the pictures here instead of making that post even longer!
I miss feeling him moving around, but I can definitely bend over better without the big old tummy in the way!
Oxygen power!
Just waiting to weigh our little man!
Hanging out with mom while Ryan went and got them lunch
True love!!!
Already making faces for the camera
Big eyed baby!
Mom's first snuggle with her new grandson
Telling everyone that Noah had arrived while he was off with daddy getting his first bath
Letting Grandma snuggle with Noah
Daddy getting some diaper practice in
She's as in love as we are!
This is daddy's new favorite hobby
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